Reflections on the Future

I haven't had much to write about in the past week. But then yesterday was my birthday, and that got me thinking about my future, which is rather scary. As of 7:06 AM on July 14th, I began my nineteenth year of life. Nineteen--that means I've almost been alive for two decades. Eek! I don't feel any older, and I certainly don't feel any wiser, but upon reflections while driving, I realized I've already joined the adult world.

This spring I bought my first car (used, but still), and have already had to pay for some maintenance. That was the most money I've ever shelled out on anything...it was five times more expensive than my laptop, which was the most money I've spent up to this point. I have to pay for my own gas, and the one birthday present which made my day was my AAA membership. If there is any indication of being a grown-up, I think that would be it.

This summer has been challenging because of the economy. Before I even came home I had twelve job applications for jobs in my area, and then I only heard back from two, both of which I interviewed for and subsequently did not get the job. Now, I had a job lined up at the library I work for, but we were moving from one location to a new one, so the library was closed for close to a month and a half, meaning, no job. Now that the library is re-opening on Friday, I am scrambling to pick up any and all available shifts, trying to make up for my lack of income at the beginning of the summer.

I also recently took out a loan for some of my school tuition. Signing my name on that document was surreal--I am officially in debt. I know it is a fact of life, but at this point, it looks pretty bleak. I am a full time student, not eligible for work study, and no income to speak of during the school year. It makes me worry, even though I know all the facts--the grace period of six months post-graduation before I have to start paying it back, the loan forgiveness for teachers who devote several years to teaching in high-need areas.

All of this leads to an internal crisis I've been experiencing regarding my schooling. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do--get my degree in English and be certified to teach in my four undergrad years, and get my Masters in teaching the next. Then I started pondering dropping the certification (the Masters program I am interested in offers both certification and the Masters in fourteen months) so that I would have time to minor in something that really interests me, like psychoanalysis or feminist and gender studies. And something recently happened that has me thinking about law school. Not to mention my yen for studying abroad. As much as I am loving being home for the summer, lacking a job for the first half sure gave me a ton of time to think and I fear I have been thinking too much. For the first time in years, I don't know what I want to do on a grand scale. That freaks me out.

I guess what I am learning is that this constant state of never really knowing is just a part of life, and it only seems to get worse as you get older. But then again, nothing gets better until it has been the worst. I'm trying to remain hopeful, because things will get better. They just have to.